


Lay down your head

by judyannhale



Category: Big Little Lies (TV), Big Little Lies - Liane Moriarty
Genre: Eventual Smut, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Slow Burn, Some angst, post S1, some s2 plot points but not many, they're both struggling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2020-12-06
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:00:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 16,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27337564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/judyannhale/pseuds/judyannhale
Summary: The old Madeline would never take more blame than she deserved. She was too logical, too sure of herself and her own fundamental ability to do good. In her own way, Celeste had broken Madeline that night.
Relationships: Madeline Martha Mackenzie/Celeste Wright
Comments: 11
Kudos: 28





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Basically a bunch of madeline/celeste scenes cause this is what my brain's been doing for the past month. 
> 
> Part 2 is in the works I'm sorry if I'm slow but it'll get there.
> 
> Hope y'all enjoy :)

Waking up felt to Celeste like having a rug pulled out from underneath her feet. Her heart pounded so aggressively she thought she'd need to throw up, or else all the tension inside would grow and grow until her whole body collapsed, or shattered into a million crystalline shards. 

She knew this feeling well enough. There was no option but to live through it, and slowly the exhaustion would filter through and drown out the terror while she vaguely tried to silence the voice that still rang through her mind every morning -  _ his  _ voice.

There were the days when it was harder, when she had far too vivid dreams and woke with them still echoing around her, and it all felt so terrible she couldn't even remember being able to come up for air. She'd cling onto every last moment she could spend curled up in her bed and hiding from the outside world until one of the boys came to find her. They loved it when they had to wake her up, and not the other way around. It was just the kind of role reversal that seemed completely hilarious to their seven-year-old minds. She'd beat herself up for being so absent and selfish when they needed her.

That morning started off like most of the bad days did, just barely getting the boys to school on time and looking like she’d only just crawled out of bed for drop-off.

"Celeste!"

Madeline abandoned whatever conversation she was already having and hurried over as the boys sped off to join their friends. Celeste smiled as she caught sight of Madeline - just a small smile. She hadn’t been awake long enough. The world still seemed hazy and her thoughts were thick and clumsy.

"Oh honey, you look like shit."

"Thanks." Celeste laughed dryly, but Madeline looked concerned.

"Did you sleep at all?"

Celeste shrugged. She must have slept at some point, since she’d managed to wake up feeling painfully exhausted. It couldn’t have been for long. She could remember waking up with her heart pounding at some early hour of the morning, tossing and turning for what felt like years.

"No, seriously, you look like you’re about to pass out." 

Celeste kicked herself, making a mental note not to skip her makeup tomorrow.  _ Surely _ she couldn’t look much more tired than usual.

"Did you take anything?"

She shook her head. "Maybe I should have." 

She’d sort of meant it as a joke but Madeline didn’t laugh. 

"I guess Blue’s is off the table?"

Celeste shrugged again, wondering if being exhausted had been a good enough excuse to skip coffee this whole time. If she’d known that she probably wouldn’t have got coffee in months. She would have missed Madeline and Jane, though.

"Come on," said Madeline, taking her arm gently. "Let me drive you home." Her tone was soft, but it wasn’t exactly a choice.

Celeste shook her head. "You don’t have to do that."

"Well, I’m going to," she said more firmly, already leading them back to the parking lot. "Come on, Jane’s working this morning and you look like you’re in desperate need of a nap. I’ll take you back and I’ll sort something out for us for lunch." 

Celeste knew there was no use in trying to argue - not when Madeline got like this. She’d been like this a lot since Perry died. She worried a lot, constantly checking up on Celeste and trying to figure out anything and everything she could do to help, and Celeste would go along with it as best she could. Of course she’d let Madeline take her home, and she’d fall back to sleep easily enough while Madeline cobbled together something and no doubt enjoyed herself in Celeste’s beautifully designed kitchen.

Sometimes it was nice, even reassuring, to know Madeline was right there and would do anything in her power to make her life a little easier. Mostly it frustrated Celeste, though, because she wasn’t sure there was anything that anyone in the world could do to make her feel better. It was her own mind getting in the way now, playing tricks on her and running in circles and making Madeline worried on top of everything else.

She missed the old Madeline - the one with fire in her eyes, who could talk about her own life endlessly and let Celeste get lost right there with her. The one who'd confide everything, who’d say things Celeste would remember days later that made her look strange when she laughed under her breath in the middle of wholly separate conversations. That Madeline would never take more blame than she deserved. She was too logical, too sure of herself and her own fundamental ability to do good. In her own way, Celeste had broken Madeline that night.

-

She woke in daylight, feeling like her head had been plunged into a tank of icy water, caught up in a wave with the salt stinging her eyes. She'd only really think about that later - how strange it was for her only breaths of fresh air to come deep within a foggy dream. She braced herself for the usual, excruciating process of remembering how to exist just enough to claw her way out of bed, but this time there was something different.

This time there was a voice, soft enough to break through her immediate instinct to curl back under the covers and hide. It kept the outside world at bay for just a few moments longer. Then a hand - tentative but so perfectly gentle drawing wide circles across her back.

_ Madeline _ .

She leaned in instinctively, resting her head against a soft, cardigan-clad shoulder, and felt another hand wrapping around her and lightly stroking her upper arm.

By the time she was properly awake, she was blinking away tears.

"It's okay, it's okay, you're okay, honey. You just had a nightmare. Or a day-mare? I'm not sure of the exact terminology, but it's okay. You don't have to cry, honey."

Her quivering lips had broken into a sort-of smile by that point, but Madeline couldn't see that. She still had a shaking, sobbing Celeste in her arms, and she didn't know what to do.

"I'm sorry, honey," she said, almost desperately, filling up the silence with comfort as best she could. "It's okay, it's okay."

Celeste only looked up when she heard how panicked Madeline was.

"I'm sorry," she said, frantically brushing away tears. "I'm okay."

"You don't have to apologize, I just want to make sure you're-"

Madeline stopped when Celeste pulled away, sitting herself up properly.

"I'm okay," she repeated. Her voice still sounded a little weak, her eyes still red and puffy, but she really meant it. She was awake, and her heart wasn’t pummeling into her chest. She couldn't even hear his voice. She couldn't remember the last time she'd felt like this.

"Are you sure?" Madeline wasn't convinced, but Celeste managed a more certain nod this time. "So this is why you haven't been sleeping?"

Celeste wanted to squirm away from that question. It made it sound like a problem, these nightmares, and she didn't have a problem. She was fine. The man who'd been hurting her was finally gone, and she was supposed to be fine. She was supposed to be relieved now it was all over. She was supposed to finally get to breathe out. 

Staring down at her crumpled sheets, she shook her head. "They're just bad dreams."

Madeline sighed sympathetically, holding onto Celeste's hand and brushing a thumb across her knuckles. 

"Honey, it's okay to be struggling. Honestly, I think it'd be more weird if you weren't, after everything that's happened."

Celeste shook her head again, trying her best to brush off the concerns, but Madeline knew better.

"I'm serious." She made deep, piercing eye contact that finally started getting through to Celeste. "You've been through a lot." Madeline didn't want to let herself think too much about all the things Celeste had been through. That was why she found herself putting all her effort into making sure she was right there, whenever Celeste might need her.

Celeste nodded and managed half a smile. "Thank you," she said. "For being here."

"Of course."

Celeste laughed a little to herself, though it came out more like a sigh. "I never normally calm down this easy."

"Really?" 

"Mmm." Celeste nodded again. There was concern written all over Madeline's face, but on the inside she felt a twinge of something else - pride, maybe? For being the person Celeste trusted enough to take care of her, or even just for finally being able to help.

"Well, if  _ I’m  _ the calming one then we really are in trouble." 

Celeste laughed properly this time. It sparked an idea in Madeline - the kind that made her eyes light up and refused to go away.

"Let me stay tonight."

"What?"

"I can keep an eye on you. And provide a calming presence on demand." She looked so pleased with herself to have thought of it.

"You don’t have to do that," said Celeste, shaking her head.

"I know." Madeline shrugged with a grin. "Look, if you want to get rid of me, then that’s fine."

"I don’t  _ want  _ to get rid of you," she protested. Putting it like that sounded far too mean, not to mention completely untrue.

"Then I’ll stay." Celeste just stared into Madeline’s satisfied little smirk.

Then Madeline’s expression shifted. It was like she’d just remembered everything all over again, reminded herself to be the new Madeline - the one who was concerned and helpful and walked on eggshells around Celeste. 

"Listen, would you rather be alone?" she asked seriously. 

Celeste considered for a moment, wondering what the world had come to for her to not automatically answer  _ yes _ to a question like that. She’d always loved her own company, but Madeline had become one of those rare few people who Celeste would rather spend time with than be on her own. Talking to her was always so comfortable, and she could make Celeste laugh so hard she'd forget to worry about whatever else was on her mind. And she really had never calmed down after a nightmare like that so easily.

She shook her head, and as soon as Madeline’s eyes lit up in front of her she was so glad that she had.

"Good." Suddenly Madeline’s hand was on Celeste’s back again, rubbing in light circles.

She was glad again, when Madeline appeared back at her door that night, Chloe safely in bed, and there was something magical in her presence that made the boys want to follow suit.

And again, when she woke with her heart pounding so loud she barely registered the way her hands were trembling, she was so glad, so ridiculously grateful, to feel Madeline's arms around her tethering her to reality. Of course Madeline had come rushing in as soon as she'd heard Celeste shouting in her sleep, and of course, if she minded being woken up, she didn't let it show for a second. She just whispered her  _ it’s okay _ s and  _ I’ve got you _ s until Celeste drifted off again, and when she woke up she could see pale blue light inching around the blinds, and she could feel a lazy hand still draped over her waist, and her heart wasn’t even racing. That was a good morning. The best she’d had in a really long time.

\---

"I’m not saying they shouldn’t be punished." Madeline stressed that part, just to make sure she didn’t come off as turning a blind eye to violence. Especially not when she was talking to Celeste. 

"I just think the school’s overreacting, that’s all. I mean, they’re only seven. Aren’t the teachers supposed to be trained to handle things like this?" 

Celeste shrugged as though Madeline could see her, smiling into the phone and leaning back into her couch. There was a part of her that enjoyed having Madeline so fiercely on her side, ready to fight for her when she wouldn’t even stand up for herself. Not that she wanted Madeline to start anything - God, that was the last thing any of them needed - but it was reassuring to know she had an ally, at least.

"It’s not like they’re the first second graders in history to get into a fight with another kid. Shouldn’t they have systems in place? They should be teaching, not ostracizing them."

"It’s only three days," Celeste cut into one of Madeline’s rare pauses.

"Still, that’s three days they could be learning," she argued back. "God, listen to me, I sound like Bonnie with all this rehabilitation pacifist bullshit. Abigail was on about the broken prison systems in this country for the whole of dinner last night. But it’s true, especially for your boys. The school knows they’ve been through a trauma. Do they really think  _ this _ is going to help?"

As usual, Madeline didn’t realize what she was saying until a few words too late. Celeste sat upright, her back tense, but she didn’t say a word. 

A  _ trauma _ . It sounded so concrete, so overpowering. It may have been the truth, but that word still held a little too much shock value for her liking. 

"How are  _ you  _ doing?" Madeline’s voice was instantly softer. She was trying to help - as usual - but for Celeste it only made things worse. She was always just about fine until Madeline asked in that serious, un- _ Madeline _ -like tone, and suddenly she realized she wasn’t nearly as fine as she’d thought.

"Rough day?" She asked sympathetically when Celeste still didn’t reply. 

Celeste sighed audibly and shoved down that urge to cry. There were days when she seemed to really be moving on, when it would have taken a good deal of effort to try to make herself cry at any given moment. She probably wouldn’t have been able to anyway - she’d always been terrible at fake-crying. But today wasn’t one of those days.

"You have no idea." She laughed to herself under her breath. 

Nothing could have stopped the feeling that the whole world was caving in on her that day, not once she’d been called into the meeting and listened to them talking on and on about  _ physical bullying _ and  _ suspension _ and  _ eyewitnesses _ . As if her little boys were on trial. As if she would have even questioned the verdict. The school had experience with these sorts of issues, after all. They would know what had to be done.

Still, there was something about that meeting that made her feel as though  _ she’d  _ done something wrong - some strange alternate flashback to the trouble she’d never dared to get into at school. In that room the principal’s word was law. As she sat in silence, reminding herself to look concerned but not too upset - not looking for sympathy when it was her kids in the wrong - she felt just as small as the boys in the backseat. 

She could see it in their faces as they complained all the way home, and she couldn’t find the energy to question them. They’d had pizza because they asked for it, and then she’d wondered if it made her a terrible person to take pity on the lectures and punishments they’d endured when they were only being punished for behaving like-

"Do you want me to come over?" Madeline’s voice was brighter already, a little closer to normal.

"Mmm," Celeste nodded. Madeline wouldn’t be able to see her grateful smile, but she’d get the gist when she arrived. 

"Abigail overheard me on the phone and started telling me all about this guided meditation for stress and this herbal tea she’s obsessed with - I don’t know what’s in it but for that price I hope she’s drinking liquid fucking gold." Madeline had made it through the doorway and halfway down the hall before she even stopped for a breath.

"Anyway, I thought about trying that whole wellness thing for a minute, but you’ll be glad to know I came to my senses and thought  _ fuck that _ ." She reached into her purse and pulled out a pack of oatmeal and raisin cookies (Celeste’s favorite) and a bar of chocolate. Celeste still maintained that Hershey’s tasted like soap, but Madeline loved it and she’d eventually give in and eat half - it didn’t taste bad enough to pass on chocolate.

She sighed with relief and pulled Madeline into a hug. "Thank you."

"Of course." They stayed there for a few moments longer than usual. Celeste clung on tight and almost lost herself in that soft vanilla hair.

"Are the boys asleep?" Madeline asked, finally pulling away.

"Yep."

"Then we need some wine."

Celeste smiled. Sometimes Madeline’s ongoing quest to solve all the world’s problems was exactly what she needed - enough taking over for Celeste to let go for a while, and eat cookies and lose herself in whatever nonsense was on television. 

It was maybe half an hour - felt like longer - before either of them spoke again. Madeline had become far too invested in the TV, and when she finally looked to her left, her heart leapt to her mouth. The way Celeste was curled up on the couch suddenly looked more small than cozy, with silent tears spilling down her cheeks. Madeline reached out for Celeste’s arm and she blinked her eyes wide open, as if she hadn’t been aware of her own crying until then.

"I’m sorry." Celeste wiped her eyes, trying to keep Madeline from worrying, but the tremble in her voice had the opposite effect.

"Oh honey," Madeline sighed helplessly. "Is there anything I can do?"

Celeste shook her head, meeting Madeline’s eyes with a watery smile. It took a moment before she could bring herself to answer.

"I can’t do this." Her tears came thicker once she’d said it out loud, her thoughts so much more real once they were hanging in the air. "With the boys… I’m doing everything wrong," she said, and Madeline understood. 

There were so many things in Celeste’s life that she could never understand - things she was painfully aware of - but this was one thing she could relate to a little better than she would have liked. She remembered that shock when you look around and realize you’ve become a single parent without ever meaning to, that paralyzing fear when there’s no one else to rely on or to reassure you that you’re  _ probably _ not screwing everything up.

"You’re not." She wrapped her arm around Celeste, who leaned in and rested on her shoulder as easily as falling asleep. "You’re such an incredible mom."

She said it with certainty, because she knew that’s what was needed, and because she knew Celeste was already stronger than she could imagine.

"I know it won’t feel like it, but you are."

That’s when Celeste overflowed, finally let herself fall apart and cry and shake in Madeline’s arms. She cried for her boys, and not knowing how to help them, and for the vast rest of her life stretched out ahead of her, and all the things she’d planned and the man who was supposed to still be here, and for how awful she must be to cry over a man who’d done all those things.

She sobbed so hard she thought she might break, felt certain she’d break Madeline’s delicate arms as she clung on, and she cried until there was nothing at all left. It took longer than she would have thought, but Madeline stayed until there was just a shadow of Celeste to lay down in her lap. 

Celeste felt the most gentle touch on her stale pink cheeks, felt it ripple through her stomach in a way it hadn’t before, but before she had time to really notice it this impenetrable stillness had set in, just as quickly as her overflow. She was already a thousand miles away.

-

Celeste woke up on top of a gently rising and falling chest, Madeline’s arms draped loosely over her back and her legs parted where Celeste’s waist hit the cushion. That might have startled her more if it weren’t for the remnants of a nightmare still rolling through her mind. It hadn’t been a bad one - not the kind that had her talking in her sleep and waking up with a scream and with sweat beading at her temples. This one had been just enough to set her heart racing and her eyes darting open with far too much energy for her sleepy surroundings. 

She didn’t dare move, holding herself deadly still so as not to wake Madeline, and she kept it up for what felt like hours until she felt a stir and knew it was too late. All at once, half-asleep limbs were squeezing in a tight stretch around her, and she was holding a million butterflies in with her breath. It felt so solid, so dependable. She wanted to imprint this feeling on her body forever. And if she let out the smallest hum of contentment before she could stop herself, well, it would have to be fine. Madeline probably didn’t hear, anyway.

She could’ve sworn she got that rushing feeling in her stomach again - the kind she used to get around Perry - just for that moment with Madeline’s legs squeezed around her. That was definitely something. It was nothing until she considered that there could be  _ something _ , and then all of a sudden it was a definitive  _ thing _ , as if the idea of a feeling could conjure up the feeling itself. 

But she knew that was nonsense. It was because she hadn’t felt that way in so long, she reasoned. Because the last time someone had held her and surrounded her like that, it’d been Perry, and she’d been supposed to feel like that. That’s all it was.

"Hey." Madeline’s voice was so soft in the morning. Celeste rolled over to see her face and Madeline didn’t stop playing with her hair. "Bad dream?" 

Celeste just shrugged. 

"What time is it?" she asked instead, resting her head back down. Her voice was hoarse and croaky - it always was, first thing.

Madeline blinked her eyes open in surprise at the sight of her phone screen.

"Five thirty." That’d slept through nearly the whole night on the couch. Madeline knew the boys’ alarm would be going off in a couple of hours, and they’d need a little coaxing to get up. They’d inherited their mother’s love of staying tucked up in bed, and her loose grasp on timekeeping. 

"Come on," she said, sitting up and lifting Celeste’s shoulders with her. "Let’s get you to bed."

Celeste groaned as her back twinged - that’s what you get for sleeping on a couch on top of someone else, she thought. She pulled the blanket tighter around herself and tried in vain to lie back down, ending up instead resting against Madeline’s chest at an awkward angle.

"Mm-mm." Madeline shook her head, pushing her gently upwards until she was mostly upright. "You need some real sleep."

Celeste could have argued. She could have pointed out the obvious absurdity of sleep on a couch somehow not counting as ‘real sleep’. She could have said there was no point, with the boys getting up in a couple of hours. But Madeline’s arms were around her now, letting Celeste lean into her as they stood, and she had absolutely no interest in letting that feeling go away.

\---

Madeline looked so small in the evening light, standing on the doorstep and wielding a bottle of wine like it held her last hopes of making it through the night.

"You got room for one more tonight?"

Celeste let her in straight away, her expression instantly concerned. She could see there was something off - something about Madeline’s usual energy had been dampened. 

"What’s going on?" She asked.

Madeline let out a sigh that was equal parts guilt and self-pity. "Ed found out. About Joseph." 

Celeste just pulled her into a hug.

"It’ll be okay," she whispered, and even though she'd decided that out of thin air, it somehow helped.

Celeste gave very good hugs. That had surprised Madeline at first, when they were just getting to know each other, the way she was so physically affectionate. From a distance, she didn’t seem to like people very much (and she didn’t, as a rule). 

She didn’t spread her time and love far and wide; she kept it all saved up for a few very carefully chosen people. And once she let you in, she’d hug you and hold you and fall asleep on your shoulder, tucked under a blanket while you drank wine and stared out at the ocean.

That was how she showed her love - gentle and silent and peaceful as a sea breeze combing through sturdy pines each morning. You could see it in the perfect joy on her face when her boys finally exhausted themselves with screaming and fighting and running about. She’d put on a movie and they’d fit snugly by her sides, her arms around them. Most of the time her parenting felt like guesswork, but when they calmed down the anxiety would dissipate and she’d finally be sure of herself. She’d wish they could stay like that forever, until she finally found a way to show the incomprehensible amounts of love she held for them.

It was beautifully reassuring to watch, Madeline thought, as she curled up in her armchair and enjoyed the red wine’s soft edges. She couldn’t even have told you the title of the movie - some cartoon the boys had seen ten times before, interrupted with her thoughts straying back to her own family’s disarray every few minutes - but it was exactly what she needed. Celeste always knew what she needed, far better than Madeline did herself.

"D’you think you should go back home?" Celeste asked, reappearing in the living room once the boys were safely tucked in bed. Madeline had moved over to the couch, leaning against the arm with her legs curled up by her side under a blanket, clutching a glass that had more likely been emptied and refilled than stayed at the same level the whole time Celeste had been gone.

She shook her head.

"He was setting up a blanket on the couch. I told him not to bother," she said bitterly. 

Part of Celeste was relieved in a way she couldn’t quite explain, knowing Madeline wanted to stay. She sat back down beside her, still hovering with a little uncertainty. 

"I don’t want to talk about it," Madeline said firmly, as if she could sense the worry radiating from Celeste. 

Celeste nodded, leaning back into the couch and taking Madeline’s hand, gently brushing a thumb across her knuckles. There was something nice about this - being back in the roles they were used to, Celeste doing the reassuring while Madeline’s life fell apart. If not comforting, it was at least familiar.

"I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep for a while," said Celeste, breaking the silence.

"Me neither." Madeline reached to tuck the blanket over Celeste, who leaned in closer. She lay back, resting her head against Madeline’s chest and enjoying the warmth of the arm wrapped around her.

She pulled out her phone to check the time - almost midnight. That was bad parenting, she thought, even for a weekend.

"Can I see?" Madeline grabbed the phone before Celeste could stop her, which she wouldn’t have anyway.

"You don’t have any games?"

Celeste laughed.  _ Of course _ that’s what Madeline was looking for. "Not really."

"Seriously? Nothing at all?"

"I have sudoku," she offered.

"Of course you do." Madeline grinned. That was the most  _ Celeste-like _ ‘game’ she could have chosen, with all her intellect and quiet maturity. 

"Why do I need games?"

"I don’t know. People have games," said Madeline. "Don’t the boys ever play on your phone?"

"They have the iPad." Celeste knew that probably wasn’t a sign of great parenting either, but she was talking to the woman who’d given her six-year-old a phone, so she figured she could let herself off the hook. "And I like sudoku."

"Are you good?"

Celeste shrugged. "I play it sometimes, when I can’t sleep."

"Like now?"

"Hmm," Celeste nodded.

Madeline clicked on the app and offered the phone back to Celeste. "I can help," she said.

Celeste smiled, holding the phone so Madeline could see from behind her, and clicked on the medium difficulty puzzle. She normally played hard, but she wouldn’t have been wrong to assume Madeline’s experience was pretty limited. Madeline was more into games that couldn’t be found in a newspaper. She’d kept up with a lot of those app games when Abigail was younger - plants vs zombies had been her specialty - but since then she’d fallen behind. Chloe was more into socializing than video games, anyway.

Celeste didn’t wait for Madeline’s help to get started. These medium puzzles were simple to her now, and she was well-practiced enough (what with plenty of sleepless nights to waste) to spot things quickly. 

Madeline eyes narrowed with focus as she stared into the phone, waiting for something helpful to jump out at her. Except nothing did. It didn’t take long for her focus to switch from trying to figure out the puzzle to wondering, slightly in awe, how Celeste was working it out so quickly.

There was something about Celeste - this part that had always caught Madeline’s attention - that was so obvious now. Of course she was beautiful, ridiculously classy, and perfect almost to a fault, but it was more than that. There was something beneath the surface - some energy behind her eyes. She never annoyed Madeline, not in the way most quiet people did. Sure, she was quiet, but you could sense the way her mind whirred; you could feel the depth of her thoughts. Madeline had always admired that about her, the way she was so soft and yet so powerful, the way she would listen so intently that it made you feel truly heard no matter what you were saying.

Ed was one of those quieter people who annoyed her sometimes, she realized. He wasn’t even that quiet, not naturally like Celeste. Maybe he just seemed quiet because he’d spent so long at Madeline’s side. But it was his passive, restrained kind of quiet that made her feel like there was no use in even trying.

Celeste started to feel bad once she realized Madeline wouldn’t be able to help much. She kept going, hoping it would be better if she finished fast and got it over with. 

"God, sometimes I forget you’re a fucking genius on top of everything else."

She smiled quickly as she filled in the last few squares. Madeline was referring to her looks, she knew, and maybe her money. That’s what people were impressed with - her looks, her money, her intelligence - usually in that order. It didn’t make any sense to Celeste, when her appearance was entirely down to luck, as was most of her money. At least her mind was her own. She was far from a  _ genius _ , but she’d worked hard in school and college and all through her professional life. 

"It’s mostly practice, anyway." Celeste shook it off easily, because it hardly mattered  _ what  _ people were complimenting. She’d shrink with embarrassment in the same way. "D’you want to try an easier one?" she offered.

Madeline nodded. The puzzle that came up had nearly twice as many squares already filled. She stared at it expectantly, waiting for a row or box to pop out at her that was filled enough for her to actually work it out.

"If you just-"

"I can do it." Madeline swatted Celeste’s hand away, deeply focused on the elusive grid of numbers before her. Celeste smiled. She leaned her head back onto the throw pillow beside Madeline, staring into the bulb in her side table lamp. It shone like the sun, bathing their faces in a gentle gold. 

Celeste let her eyes lose focus and lines of light spilled out from it to fill her vision. Madeline’s legs felt so warm and comfortable against her side, like they’d been sitting right there for a million years. The lines reliably shrank back into the light each time she blinked - a comforting reminder that they were only in her head.

When she looked up again, Madeline’s expectant eyes were waiting for her. She glanced over to the phone - still only half-full with the given digits - and rested her head back against Madeline’s chest. She wouldn’t make Madeline ask for help out loud.

"Where does the one go in this box?" she asked, the same way she’d help her boys with homework without letting them feel like they were really being helped at all.

After a few moments Madeline’s puzzled expression lifted.

"That one?" she asked, pointing to one of the blank squares.

"Mm-hm." Celeste nodded and let her put the digit in.

"And that one’s a four?" Madeline checked, tapping on the other empty square in that box.

"Exactly." Celeste could feel Madeline’s satisfied smile without having to look. She needed help a few more times, just to get started, but soon she had enough figured out that she could keep going on her own while Celeste watched contentedly. She didn’t mind spotting all the opportunities quicker than Madeline when she was half-lost in a daydream, infused with the scent of rose buds and vanilla and the feeling of Madeline’s chest rising and falling beneath her head, steady like the distant sound of waves on the shore. 

\---

It only took Madeline a few moments to orient herself when she woke up in Celeste’s bed. She’d been sleeping over more often, usually informed by how she felt towards Ed that day, and how he felt towards her, as well as how exhausted Celeste appeared to be at drop-off. Sometimes Celeste would wake them both with a nightmare, and Madeline would hold her until her heartbeat calmed and her eyes fluttered closed again. Sometimes they’d just stay up talking until the sky was already glowing in anticipation of sunrise.

It was nice, knowing that she was finally doing something that actually seemed to help. It was nice knowing she’d wake up and Celeste would be right there beside her, between the crisp sheets of a king-sized bed and framed by a wide ocean view. 

That morning, though, there was no Celeste to be found. She sat up instantly and checked the clock, wondering vaguely if Celeste had woken up early and got a head start on breakfast, even though the idea of her getting up in the morning before Madeline was laughable. 

04:16. The green light glowed out into the dark room. She started to worry, stumbling out of bed and pulling on the robe discarded on the floor on her side of the bed. She checked the bathroom first, and then down the hallway to the living room, whispering Celeste’s name urgently so as not to wake the boys.

As soon as she made it to the living room, she spotted Celeste through the glass - all curled up in a bundle of wool. She sighed out a breath she hadn’t noticed she’d been holding, and waited there in the doorway, watching as golden hair swayed from side to side with the waves lapping below. It was probably in time with some invisible song, she thought, as she spotted the phone clutched in her left hand and the thin white strands trailing up to her ears. 

Madeline knew she'd be far away, drifting somewhere in those rolling clouds, bathing herself in early green light. She smiled to herself. She’d never seen Celeste like this before. She was always dreaming, losing herself in worries or imaginary worlds, but she’d never seen her quite like this. This seemed like Celeste in her purest form, only barely in reality, completely alone. She thought how strange that must be, to not feel at all incomplete on her own. Stranger even, to never have another person see the real you (except by accident, like now). Madeline had the opposite problem, constantly spilling out too much of herself and finding so little left when she had no one else to match.

She wondered briefly why Celeste had never bothered to upgrade her headphones from the ones that came with her phone. She could have bought herself some nice wireless ones for running (though she wasn’t sure Celeste ever intentionally ran anywhere) or some properly expensive ones with good sound quality or whatever. Perry probably had some lying around that were the same brand used by grammy-winning artists when they recorded their latest hits.

She wondered, but at the same time she knew exactly why Celeste kept the ones she had. It was the same reason she was watching the sky from a stone step, rather than one of her expensive outdoor couches. That was just Celeste. 

Madeline always wished she could be more like that. She knew her life would probably be easier if she didn’t have to worry about appearances, or material things, but she couldn't help herself. She couldn't pretend a new purse or a perfect dress (with a price tag that made her shiver) wouldn't make her feel like an entirely better person. Maybe that kind of luxury was only appealing to Madeline because it was still out of reach. Maybe consumerism lost its edge when you truly did have the means to consume it all.

She wasn’t sure how long she stood in the doorway before she was wrapping the thick robe tightly around herself in the wind and perching on that step too. Celeste didn’t notice her at first, her eyes still glazed over and focused on the foggy horizon. Madeline could see her face now, cheeks still pink and raw, and her heart twinged. She could see it so clearly - Celeste’s frantic sobs coming and going without another soul to help her through, her gasps for breath, the vacuum left behind when it was over. Maybe she’d had nowhere left to go but the clouds.

Celeste only realized she wasn’t alone when she felt a hand carefully pulling out the sound from one of her ears. She didn’t jump. She just looked around slowly, blinking as if she were still half-asleep. Madeline pulled the blanket so it was over her legs too and smiled, letting Celeste lean into her side. She put in her headphone, taking a moment to get used to the sound - guitar strings strummed and snapped against her eardrum, a soulful voice calling out - before resting her hand around Celeste’s shoulders. Her fingers drummed out gentle cashmere rhythms.

Celeste sighed. It wasn’t quite the same with one ear out - one foot begrudgingly held back and planted firmly in reality, another person here to keep her world from running away too far on its own. 

That wasn’t the worst thing, though. Maybe Madeline was the only person in the world who felt more like another part of Celeste than an entirely separate being. The only person left in the world, anyway.

It was there, among deep beats and cool breezes, that Celeste really started to notice it. Madeline hadn’t said a word when she found Celeste, hadn’t questioned what she was doing awake or even asked her to turn the music down (she probably should have - Celeste liked it loud enough that she could feel it, loud enough that she couldn’t think too hard about anything else). There was just this understanding between them, and a version of Celeste she’d never shown to anyone else before. And maybe it was the music pounding through her bones, or the way the open sky was indistinguishable from the ocean where they met, or the warmth in the side of Madeline’s neck through silky strands where Celeste’s head rested on her shoulder, but she’d never felt so deliciously peaceful in all her life.

If Celeste were a more talkative person, she might have told Madeline that she loved her right then. She knew she would have meant it, and in her drowsy, almost delirious state she didn’t stop to question that. She didn’t stop to wonder what  _ kind _ of love they were hurtling towards, or if that were something she’d allow herself to feel once they’d traded dawn’s gentle glow for harsh sunlight. All she could know was that she loved having Madeline so close, and knowing that she understood. Maybe that was the craziest part of all - it felt like she really understood.

\---

"I wouldn’t worry about it," said Celeste, sitting up a little so she could meet Madeline’s eyes. "Really, I wouldn’t."

"Aren’t you worried about the boys? Not at all?" Madeline asked indignantly. As soon as she said it she wished she hadn’t. Celeste would probably love to be worried about whether or not her boys were academically gifted.

Celeste took the last sip of her red wine and rested back against Madeline’s side. She didn’t need a refill just yet. Madeline’s balcony offered a perfect view of the stars, and the cool night air felt pleasantly sweet and creamy.

"Chloe’s bright," she said. Madeline glanced back through the living room windows. Chloe and the boys were squished together on the couch, all deeply engrossed in whatever  _ Star Wars _ movie they were up to now. It was a minor miracle to see the three of them so quiet.

"She reads," Celeste continued, "she has better social skills than I do."

Madeline laughed. 

"Sometimes I worry she’s going to be exactly like me," she admitted. Her fingers were drumming light patterns into Celeste now, where her hand rested on her thigh.

"Would that be so awful?"

"I mean, I’d rather have at least one daughter with a hope of going to college."

"Ah." It made sense to Celeste then. "You don’t have to worry about that. Chloe will grow up to be Chloe."

"You sound like Abigail," said Madeline. 

"And I think Abigail will come around," Celeste added. She didn’t need to look up to know Madeline was doubtful. She always found her way to the worst-case scenario, and it was so easy for her to spiral. They probably had that in common. "Seriously, she just needs time. I’ll bet she’s not nearly as sure of herself as she seems."

"I hope you’re right." Madeline looked down at her soft red hair. "I was the same at that age. I thought I knew everything."

"I think sometimes we try to fit them to ourselves too much. They’re just kids. I think they’re their own selves." Celeste considered for a moment, looking up at the sky as she ran through what she’d just said in her head. That made sense to her, at least. She gave the smallest nod into the night.

"God, you are Abigail." Madeline thought of all the wise thoughts her daughter would spout about human nature and society and the universe - no doubt learned from Bonnie.

Celeste snorted. She could still feel the hand on her thigh, drawing soothing figure-eights into her flowy skirt and the skin underneath. 

They fell into a comfortable silence - something Madeline hadn’t fully believed in until she met Celeste - but the longer they stayed there, the louder those swirls got in Celeste’s mind. It was overpowering. It crashed over her in a wave and sprayed out across her vision and swept any other thoughts clean away. It was exactly the way she'd felt when she first met Perry, but somehow entirely different, because this wasn't Perry. And it wasn't just a person, just physical touch after she'd been blank for so long. This was Madeline.

And suddenly all her thoughts were of Madeline, with those round eyes and dainty little fingers, and the softer smiles she saved for the few people she could trust, and that incredible energy she carried into every room, the confidence that made people step back and listen, and it astounded Celeste that she'd never seen it like this before.

It took her by surprise. It shouldn't have. Celeste was attracted to wild people. Maybe because she was so grounded and deep within herself - she needed that balance to pull her out, to leave her craving more. 

She could already feel her body spiraling out of her control - her heart pounding and her breaths light and just as steady as she could keep them. Madeline  _ had _ to know what she was doing. She wouldn't be dancing swirls into her skin, inching closer and closer up her thigh for nothing. Celeste couldn't be feeling all this by accident. Madeline had to know she was drawing fire, pulling Celeste further under with every second, making her thoughts thick and slurred until her churning stomach couldn't take it anymore. Then - just for a moment - her hips fell out of her control, her stomach tensed as they arched up just a little, drawing themselves closer to the fire.

Then they were still. The whole world held its breath as they waited for one of them to know what to do. Everything swirling around Celeste’s head was suddenly so real. It was already too late. She could make some excuse about her back aching, needing to fidget, but she could never fool Madeline. And she didn’t  _ want _ to fool Madeline. They both knew exactly what was happening. 

As much as it terrified her, Celeste rolled over onto her stomach, propping herself up on her elbows. Their faces were so close. Madeline’s eyes were wide open and magnetic and she knew it was all over. Her heart pounded as if she was still making this insane decision, as if there was any going back now.

Then Celeste leaned in. Madeline tasted sweet, vanilla and wine, sort of how she imagined a cherry coke would taste to a person who liked cherry coke. It was barely a real kiss. Their lips brushed, and it was beautiful and intoxicating, but Celeste pulled herself away.

"Is that okay?" she whispered, their faces still so close together.

Madeline didn't answer. She reached her hand around the back of Celeste's neck and gave just enough of a tug, catching Celeste's gasp in another kiss. This one was longer, it was  _ real _ . This time neither of them held back. Celeste's hand was so soft on Madeline's cheek. Madeline’s still held behind her neck, like she needed her, but at the same time so gently. It was searing, and desperate, and maybe in that moment they'd managed to achieve the perfection they were always so desperately searching for.

But then something shifted. Something in Madeline's mind caught up with herself and her lips went stiff against Celeste's, her hand fell away. Celeste pulled back to see something awful in Madeline's eyes - some combination of anger and terror and disgust that made her want to shrink away in an instant. 

Madeline hadn't wanted it - that was the only way she could explain it. She'd just forced herself on her, because that's the kind of  _ sick _ woman she was. There really was something wrong with her. Maybe it wasn't just Perry with the problem after all.

Madeline was staring aggressively at the ground, hands trembling ever so slightly. Celeste reached out to take one, maybe to comfort her - honestly she didn’t know what to do with herself.

"Get off me," Madeline snapped as she snatched her hand away.

Celeste would have preferred a slap in the face. She would rather have been thrown to the ground. The words landed on her like ice, and she didn't need to be told again. Her long limbs suddenly felt especially clumsy as she pulled herself away, ending up awkwardly knelt with her legs tucked under her a few inches beyond Madeline's bare feet. 

"I'm sorry." 

Madeline's gaze remained firmly fixed on the ground. She didn't move. She didn't say a word - that's how Celeste knew it was really bad. Madeline always knew exactly what to say. Except for now, apparently. Celeste had broken her, again. No one could break her quite like Celeste.

"I'm so sorry," she repeated in a pleading whisper. She wished she could take it back, wished she wasn't like this. She was just as bad as Perry, she realized, forcing herself onto a woman who wanted nothing to do with her, risking everything for some weird, perverted instinct she couldn't control. 

Except this wasn't just any woman. This was  _ Madeline _ , who'd been nothing but beautifully kind to her. Madeline, who she could always talk to, and who she was finally starting to be fully and completely honest with. Of  _ course _ , she had to go and fuck that up.

"I should go." 

"You should," Madeline agreed without looking up, her face perfectly blank.

Celeste forced herself to nod as if it was nothing. "I'll go." She stood up, grabbing her wine glass from the arm of the couch on her way, as if she was just going to get a refill. "I’m so sorry." 

The glass doors closed carefully behind her. 

"Time to go, boys."

The usual chorus of complaints followed - the kind she didn't have space to think about right then. 

"You can finish the movie another time," she said, more firmly than she felt. "Come on, it's late."

Her hands were shaking as she scooped up her purse from the kitchen counter. She hoped they couldn't tell.

"Are you and my Mom upset with each other?" Chloe cut in between the boys' groaning.

"What?" Celeste glanced back out the window. She could see the back of Madeline's head, perfectly still in the darkness. It was a miracle none of the kids had seen what she’d done. "No. Why would you think that?"

"Because you're leaving early," Chloe replied. 

Celeste shook her head. "We have to leave because it's late. Come on, Max, shoes on. It's very late." She could feel herself getting flustered. Her heartbeat was too loud in her chest. Inside the house was too hot and too bright and she was sure she looked like a mess, but by some miracle the boys were listening. Josh looked half asleep as he pulled his shoes on.

"We'll see you soon Chloe," she said, aiming for cheerful and not quite selling it. The boys echoed their own goodbyes, but as soon as the front door was open they dashed out to squabble over the front seat.

She was already closing the door behind her when she heard Madeline's voice chasing after her.

"Celeste-" 

It was instinctive, the way she pulled the door closed, fast. Then she froze. She wondered what Madeline would say to Chloe about what had happened. She wondered what Madeline was thinking to herself. All she wanted was to go back in there and apologize until Madeline told her it was okay, until she said something that would make sense of it all and held Celeste and made that awful twisting panic in her stomach and the tears springing up from nowhere just melt away.

But with her eyes squeezed tight together she could still see Madeline's face, blank and cold and broken, and Celeste knew it was all her fault. She winced as she forced herself to turn around and follow the boys out to the car.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you sm to everyone who read the last part and left comments ily!!
> 
> Pls note the change in rating and there’s a tw on this chapter for domestic violence (only brief mention of it bc celeste)
> 
> Hope y’all enjoy :)

When the new school year started, Celeste was late more often. Her new apartment was closer to the school - barely a ten-minute drive - and she seemed to push it closer every day. She found herself getting exhausted so easily, and the boys were always grumpy in the mornings.

She'd had spent that summer much like her summers as a child - cut off from the rest of the world. A few times she'd taken the boys down to the beach, or to the park with the good playground, but mostly they devoured video games, and she sat with them and devoured her books. They'd even tried to teach her one of their games, but she could never quite get a handle on which buttons did what and she kept walking off cliffs or running into things that killed her. Once their real life settled back in, she couldn't help but miss it.

When she saw Madeline at school, she was always busy in a wide circle of other moms. It was like a reflex, gathering as many people around her as possible whenever Celeste might be nearby.

Maybe it was to prove (or at least try to prove) that she was doing fine without having Celeste to talk to. Maybe it was because being the center of attention was where she felt most comfortable, and she needed no more reasons to feel uncomfortable at that school every day. Besides, she knew that if she was in a large enough crowd, then Celeste wouldn't come and talk to her. She was right. 

Just as Madeline's safety net was talking to everyone, Celeste's was talking to no one. Whenever something like this happened, Madeline was the only person she'd talk to. Or rather, when something like this happened to Madeline, she'd talk to Celeste about it. Things like this didn't happen to Celeste. She didn't lose friends suddenly, or kiss married people out of the blue.

Of course, Madeline wouldn't talk about what happened with anyone, either. Celeste seemed fine like that - she was well-practiced at keeping things to herself - but for Madeline it was excruciating. It bubbled up inside her and threatened to spill out at any moment. But what else could she do? She couldn't very well talk to Ed about it, or Jane. Poor Jane had never received so much as an explanation for why their morning chats over coffee had suddenly vanished one day. She'd barely spoken to Celeste, who was bad at replying to texts even before the added stress of moving and going back to work, and Madeline had become something of an expert at changing the subject whenever Celeste came up. It was barely even a conscious effort anymore.

Madeline wasn't sure she'd ever talk about what really happened in her life, which was just as terrifying as talking in its own way. In all her circles of friends, there was only one person she'd go to when something like this happened, when her life got suddenly much scarier and messier and much more serious than regular old gossip: Celeste. It all came back to fucking Celeste.

-

"Madeline?" Celeste called out from her doorway, and even through the rain she could recognize that pink coat and that beautiful golden hair anywhere.

"Madeline," she shouted louder this time, before wrapping her cardigan tight around her and following her out into the rain.

Madeline was cursing her choice of heels that day. She'd almost made it back to her car, wishing she'd never knocked on that fucking door in the first place, when Celeste caught up with her.

"Madeline," she said again, this time more softly. Her face was wet with the rain - they both were - but up close Celeste could see it was tear-stained too. "What are you doing here?"

"I should go," she said, pulling away.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Nothing's wrong I just need to go."

"Madeline, wait, it’s not nothing-"

"Ed got an apartment," she snapped, taking Celeste by surprise. "And Chloe’s mad at me, because everything's my fucking fault, and my whole life is going to shit, and I just felt like maybe I needed you." 

She paused, the weight of what she'd just said keeping the air thick between them. "Which makes me sound fucking pathetic and you should just tell me to go-"

"Madeline." It took Celeste’s hand on her arm to stop her. They both stayed silent for a moment, eyes locked like it was the first time. Celeste didn't need to explain those past few months to Madeline. Her face said it all - that Madeline wasn't the only one who felt like she was going crazy, like her whole life was falling apart. And she wasn't the only one who played that night in her head, over and over, wishing she could have done it all differently. Madeline could see everything, and for the first time in so long she finally felt like she wasn't alone.

"I think maybe we need each other," Celeste admitted.

Suddenly Madeline's next breath was caught in her throat. She finally turned around properly, her hands on Celeste’s arms. It reminded her all over again how incredible this woman was, even huddled nervously in her cardigan with wet bangs sticking to her forehead.

"Can I kiss you?"

Celeste’s eyes widened. She couldn’t stop the hopeful smile creeping across her face, but she couldn’t quite trust it either.

"If you won’t run away again." She said it with a smile, but her words clattered out and stung for Madeline. Her face fell, almost in a flinch, and she let out a deep sigh.

"I'm sorry, Celeste. I'm so sorry." She made herself meet Celeste’s eyes. "I think I just... I got scared. And I didn't know what to do. I just had a lot of shit going on that I needed to figure out, okay?"

Celeste nodded slowly. She knew how difficult it was for Madeline to admit she was wrong. And she wasn't angry with Madeline - if anything she was angry with herself, felt like she should be the one apologizing - but she'd let the moment to kiss vanish rather expertly. The Madeline standing in front of her now was all shame and hurt. 

"Come on." She put an arm around Madeline's wet shoulders. "Let's get you dry."

That night felt like travelling back in time, falling back into their old rhythms without a second thought. Madeline stayed over without having to ask, and though neither of them could say it out loud, they both realized how badly they missed whatever it was they’d found together that spring. Madeline didn’t ask to kiss Celeste again, and Celeste didn’t try anything like that either. Perhaps they were still too cautious, or perhaps they were just perfectly content with having each other close by.

In the new apartment, Celeste had started feeling so lonely each night when she lay awake. It was strange. She wasn't the type of person to get lonely, and with Perry travelling so often she'd always been used to spending nights alone. She never minded it - watching her own TV shows so he wouldn't fall behind (usually something he wouldn't like anyway), losing herself in books for hours at a time, looking out at the sea when she was still awake in the early hours of the morning. She liked the quiet, once the boys were asleep and she had a whole house to herself. No one else in the world could get to her. There was this beautiful sense of peace she used to get on her own.

It was a different kind of alone now, being somewhere else, knowing he was really gone. This was the kind that made her terrified she was missing out on something she'd never get back, and made her feel like she was doing everything wrong. She’d lie awake, curled up tight around her pillow and see her whole life stretched ahead of her - suddenly so vast and so empty. She'd wondered if it would feel like this forever. Maybe it would have, she thought, maybe if Madeline hadn’t shown up at her door that night.

-

"Do you want a lift home?"

Madeline's eyes widened from where she was still sitting against Celeste's headboard. She hadn't got out of bed properly all day, aside from a trip to the kitchen to help with dinner.

"Not particularly." 

Celeste watched her little helpless laugh and couldn't help herself - she wanted to pull Madeline into her arms and figure out a way to fix everything. Instead, she perched at the end of the bed. A hand on Madeline's ankle through the covers was her best attempt at comfort.

"He's never coming back," she said. Her face was blank, her voice heavy.

It was so painfully unsurprising when Ed finally came home that night and told her he'd rented an apartment. Madeline thought maybe the expectedness of it hurt more than the announcement itself. She could have seen it coming from a mile off, and he was being so nice about it, so reasonable, with that sad, distant look in his eye, and she couldn't understand why it felt like her whole life had just shattered into a million pieces.

Celeste's brow furrowed. "Do you want him to?"

Before she could answer, they heard one of the boys' shouts cut through the air. Madeline was scrubbing away tears as Max appeared in the doorway. 

"Mom, can I-" 

He lost his train of thought as soon as he saw them both sitting on the bed. "Why's Madeline crying?"

"I'm fine." Madeline smiled, not particularly convincingly. 

"What's wrong?"

"Come on," said Celeste, jumping up to guide him back out the door. "She's just tired, because it's  _ bedtime _ ."

"Not yet," he groaned.

Celeste nodded. "Quick, you know the drill. If you go now, you can read for ten minutes, okay?"

"Can I go on the iPad? I finished my book."

She wished she was the kind of mother with enough energy to fight that. She nodded.

"Go on then." 

He dashed off, no doubt to claim it before his brother could. As soon as he was out of earshot, the concern crept back into Celeste's expression as she sat back down. Madeline could feel her thoughts ready to spill out.

"I could feel there was something... off, in our marriage, for a really long time. Maybe the whole time. And I know Ed felt it too, when he thought I wasn't over Nathan, and when I cheated, and, I don't know. Maybe it's been  _ this  _ the whole time."

"Me?" Celeste raised an eyebrow.

"No." Madeline's expression was puzzled, as if she was only just working things out for herself. "Like... women?"

It sounded like a dirty word in her mouth - ridiculous and childish and far too serious all at once. She'd like a question, looking at Celeste as if she were waiting for something \- agreement, maybe? Or understanding?

Celeste just blinked her eyes wide open. She'd never exactly thought of herself and Madeline like  _ that _ . Maybe it was naïve not to, but she hadn't. She’d heard about women who hit forty and ran off with their best friend after a journey of self-discovery or whatever, and of course she didn't have a problem with that. She supported them, in all their safely abstract, theoretical discoveries. But that wasn't her. It wasn't as if she'd suddenly realized her attraction to Perry had been a lie, and she  _ only  _ liked women now. She didn't even like  _ women _ , really. She just liked Madeline.

It had always been like that for her - she didn't fall in love easily. Hardly ever. She'd accepted early on, back when she was first thinking of leaving Perry, that she'd never find anyone else like him. She'd never felt the same way about anyone else, and she never would again. 

She'd been so scared to lose that, and it was only afterwards she could consider that maybe she’d find something else. Maybe there'd be another feeling that wasn't the same, but something just as unique and just as earth-shattering as before. She'd never felt the way she did about Madeline towards anyone else, either.

"I was so scared of him leaving this whole time," said Madeline, "and now he has." She paused. "I don't want him back."

"And you think... with women?"

Madeline sighed. "It's been in the back of my mind for years," she admitted. "But these last few months..." She laughed to herself a little - at how incredibly difficult it suddenly was to just get a few words out. But she wasn't the type of person to do things halfway, so she forced herself to say it anyway. "Look, if you kissed me again, I wouldn’t run away."

As soon as Madeline's words had registered in her mind, Celeste could feel her heart in her mouth, and she couldn’t think of anything else.

Suddenly she was cupping Madeline’s cheeks in her hands, and when their lips finally met it felt like coming up for air when she didn't even know she'd been drowning. 

They were both running off pure instinct, drawing them in and keeping them perfectly intertwined. Celeste’s arms wrapped around Madeline’s neck, pulling her closer, always closer, as if her life depended on it, and their kisses were so light and so rich, she thought she could get lost inside them completely.

It was only when she felt Madeline tugging at the hem of her shirt that she summed up all her willpower and pulled away. 

"Are you sure?" she asked, not expecting her voice to sound so breathless. "We're both tired, and emotion-"

Madeline cut her off with another kiss - soft and beckoning - and this time she didn't pull away. 

It was the traces that got her - the silky fingers like fire on her skin, leaving swirls and little stars burned into her memory as her mind spiraled toward them. And there was nothing forceful, nothing to escape from even if she wanted to. It was just that whisper of a touch, a hint to draw her in and the promise of something more dancing across her waist, then up her shoulder blade and to the side of her neck.

And suddenly it wasn’t about what anyone wanted to do to her - it was all what she wanted done, and she wanted everything. She wanted searing touch on her skin; she wanted thunder in her chest and glowing deep in her stomach. All she could do was follow that fire. Her eyes fluttered closed, her head collapsed forward, breaths thick, all from the daintiest little stars.

She’d never been touched so delicately in all her life. She’d never been treated like something so fine, to be handled with the utmost care, not because she was fragile, but because she was important. She could see it in Madeline’s eyes, awestruck and so deeply focused once her shirt was crumpled on the floor. She could feel it in Madeline’s fingers and in her lips, like fireflies on her skin, exploring every inch of her like it was an act of worship.

And when she finally reached Celeste’s center, she was just barely tracing shapes again, light enough to drive Celeste insane. Her goosebumps and shivers turned into tight clenches, gasps into desperate whimpers, until even the most beautiful motions were infuriating.

And then she felt it, even as Madeline led her along so achingly slowly, that fire came hurtling, burning until it smothered all her senses, consumed every last ounce of her consciousness. It filled her up and kept growing and growing until finally she overflowed.

She cried out. Her own body spiraled out of control, bucking and shaking and reveling in the insanity of it all, until she finally sighed out the air in her lungs. She lay completely still, basking in the way she could still feel Madeline across every inch of her skin, tingling pleasantly, and in the dull ringing in her ears and the gentle ache between her legs.

When the world finally started to settle around her, she was smiling - just the smallest, softest smile. She could still feel her pulse in her fingers, the blanket still tightly clutched within them.

Madeline leaned back against the pillows. Celeste could feel strands of her hair curling around gentle fingers, and the first coherent thoughts rushing through her mind were just longing for Madeline,  _ always Madeline _ , so she crawled up to fit perfectly into her side, her arm snaking around her waist and clinging on tight. And feeling Madeline’s arms around her shoulders, being held in return - she thought that might have been the most beautiful feeling in the world.

-

"So what we're getting at here is that neither of us has a fucking clue what we're doing?"

Celeste sighed and nodded a quick  _ mm-hmm  _ into the phone. Her heart was still pounding, the same way it had been the whole time she was getting up the guts to actually call Madeline. It had been almost a week of silence, of mutual panicking and second guessing, but she knew she couldn’t let the last few months repeat themselves.

"Okay... so what if we just do what we want?" Madeline’s voice sounded so hopeful. "And we don't have to tell anyone, or call it anything in particular, or tell the kids just yet."

"That'll go well." Celeste knew that wasn't sustainable in the least. People would talk, the kids would see something. She of all people should know that.

"Just for now," Madeline sounded almost pleading. "We try this, and if we both still feel this way by, I don't know, Christmas, then we have this conversation again, and we can tell the kids and everything."

"Christmas?

"You've got a month to scare me off."

Celeste laughed. "Okay, Christmas it is."

"Great," Madeline agreed. "It’ll give me something to think about in my empty house."

"What are you doing for Christmas?" she asked. She hadn’t thought until then how strange that year would be - the first in their new apartment and the first with just her and the boys. She knew it would be strange for Madeline, too.

"Probably sit on the couch alone, watch bad movies. I might break into some ice cream." Madeline sighed. 

Celeste's brow furrowed. "Is Chloe going with Ed?"

"Yep. It's Abigail's year with Nathan, so they can be together at mine next year," she explained, her face sullen. "I get them both on the 26th."

"Come to mine," said Celeste instantly.

"What?"

"For the day I mean, and the eve, if you don't have the girls."

"Celeste, I don't need to crash your Christmas," she said. That would feel like a new low for her.

"You're not crashing anything." Celeste smiled. "It'll be small, and I think this year's going to be a little different anyway."

"I'll be fine on my own," she lied. "You know, you're always saying how great it is to have time to yourself."

Celeste rolled her eyes. "How are your decorating skills?"

"Trees or cookies?" She heard Celeste’s laugh through the phone. "It's fine, I'm good at both, but you seriously don't have to do this."

"You're coming. We need you." 

Perry had been so good at getting the boys in the holiday spirit - tree decorating and baking and ice skating and visiting Santa at the mall. Celeste had no idea how she was supposed to do it all.

"Only if you're sure." 

She could already hear the smile in Madeline's voice. It would be so nice having her there.

"I'm sure."

-

In those next few weeks, Madeline became something of a regular in that apartment, especially on the nights both her girls were away. Having a whole house to herself gave her the creeps. Sometimes she'd bring Chloe, or Celeste would bring the boys to hers, and they'd all watch a movie curled up on the couch, but those nights with the kids they'd all end up back in their own homes. The nights that just Madeline came over she stayed, and once the kids were in bed their stolen glances and casual hands on knees turned into all the things they wanted, all the things they'd been waiting for. 

At some point Madeline noticed that they didn't wake in the middle of the night anymore, and she was relieved to learn that Celeste hadn't had a nightmare since she moved, that maybe it was just that house and all its memories. Now they woke in daylight, to an alarm that Celeste loathed with all her being. Madeline didn't mind it, and it didn't take her long to figure out how to lure Celeste and her equally sleepy boys out of bed with toaster waffles and syrup - or homemade pancakes if she was feeling fancy.

It was so very close to perfect, Celeste thought, on the days when she really stopped to appreciate the way she could wake without her heart pounding, without the crushing dread of getting through another day. So close. She had her boys and Madeline and, finally, something that felt like peace. And still she couldn’t help herself from wanting more.

She wanted to be able to kiss Madeline in front of her kids. She wanted to be able to tell them the truth, and Jane, and anyone who cared to listen. She wanted to tell the world about this incredible woman, and more than that - though she never quite admitted it to herself - she wanted to trust that what they were doing was real. She needed to know every stolen glance, every spare moment when she couldn't think of anyone else, every time she came undone in the most beautiful way - it had to mean the same for Madeline, too. 

On the days she got to hold Madeline close, it wasn’t too difficult to believe. They had a whole beautiful evening to themselves, and at times it seemed like Madeline’s life depended on keeping an arm around Celeste. That was good, since there was nowhere Celeste would rather be than curled up in Madeline's chest. Her eyes closed - she didn't need them. She could feel every inch of Madeline pressed into her side like fire.

Their fingers intertwined, and Celeste pulled her hand closer. She took it gently, trailed soft kisses across Madeline's knuckles, then around into her palm and down her wrist, her skin soft like lace.

She let herself be completely surrounded by Madeline, overwhelmed in the best way. She was like a rose garden at sunrise, the sky clear, dew drops scattered across pink petals. Celeste let her head fall into her lap, lying back as Madeline brushed her bangs to the side.

"You know what I think?" Madeline asked.

Celeste opened her eyes. "Hmm?" 

"I think there's so much more inside your head than you ever let anyone see."

Celeste’s breath hitched. Suddenly it felt like she’d been waiting her whole life for someone to say something like that. She wanted to scream  _ yes, Madeline, you’re right. _ And maybe _ you know me better than anyone else in the world _ , because every day it felt more like she really did.

Instead, she just stared upwards, losing herself even more deeply in those eyes. Those eyes that  _ understood _ her.

Madeline's fingers ran through her hair lazily. "Tell me something." 

She smiled. "What should I tell you?"

"Anything." 

Celeste rolled her eyes.

"Okay, I don't know. Tell me what you were daydreaming about the day we met."

She could still remember Celeste that day - lost in the dancing light on the walls as it reflected off the pool. She’d been completely in her own world. 

Something in Celeste's face shifted - the part that had been so open and happy just a few moments before closed up. She remembered that day just as clearly as Madeline did.

"I was thinking about Perry," she admitted. She sat up. This wasn’t the kind of conversation to have from someone’s lap anymore. Madeline's brow furrowed.

"He… That day was the second time…" She stared down, focused on wringing her hands together. "You know."

Madeline’s heart sank. She wanted to pull Celeste into her arms and hold her tight, keep her safe from ever feeling that way again, but somehow that would have felt all wrong. Because the truth was she  _ didn't _ know what Celeste was talking about. They'd never talked about any of it. They danced around it like a secret, Celeste making occasional comments and Madeline supposing that she should pretend she understood.

All she knew was what she'd seen - images of her best friend on the ground, kicks landing squarely in her stomach, hunched over and  _ terrified _ , that raced through her mind at night. She'd seen enough for a lifetime. More than enough. Maybe that was why she could never quite bring herself to ask. She knew there was so much more Celeste had seen, so much more she'd  _ lived through _ , and Madeline couldn't even bring herself to imagine how she did it.

"I should have known," she said. Her voice felt shaky as she really took in what Celeste had said. "The whole time I knew you, I never-"

"No-"

"I should have been there for you."

"You  _ were _ ." Celeste realized Madeline might never understand that. She might never know how Celeste loved hearing about every detail of her life, all the ins and outs of her conflicts, how sometimes that had felt like her real life - kids and books and getting coffee with Madeline (and then Jane, too), with Perry just passing through between his trips.

"I should've seen something."

"You couldn't have seen anything," Celeste protested. "I never would have _ let _ anyone see. Especially you."

"Well I'm so glad I could be there for you." She said it with an edge to her voice that made Celeste want to kick herself.

"No, Madeline-"

"No, I'm clearly such a great friend."

Celeste reached for her arm. "I never would have let you see  _ because _ I care about you."

Madeline looked taken aback by that. 

"I guess I care what you think of me," Celeste shrugged.

Madeline sighed. "You know I never would have thought anything bad about you, right?" 

Celeste nodded. She did know that. She'd known all along that help was right there in front of her. Not help - support. Whatever it was she'd needed that could have stopped things turning out the way they did.

"It wasn't that easy," she said, because no matter how close she'd come to telling someone the truth, it had always been just out of reach. "If I could do it again, I'd tell you." Her tone was softer now. She so badly wanted to believe that was true. She wished she could have had a little more faith in herself.

Madeline just gave her a sad smile. "Good."

-

It was getting dark out by the time Celeste appeared in the bathroom doorway.

"Don't do that." She reached for Madeline's hand, which was fervently searching for grey hairs in the mirror.

"What?" Madeline turned around to face her.

Celeste ran her fingers through a strand of silky blonde hair. "I like them," she shrugged. Madeline just made a face.

"Look at you," she said, pulling away to get a proper look. "I told you you'd look great in that dress."

Celeste gave a little twirl, still admiring the flowing navy fabric scattered with just a few flecks of silver that looked like stars. "I had an excellent stylist."

"Yes you did," Madeline agreed.

Celeste smiled, pulling Madeline towards her for a quick kiss. It was softer now, more familiar, but always so perfectly sweet.

"The sitter's here," she added, remembering what she'd come in for.

"Okay," Madeline turned back to the mirror, and the hurricane of bottles and brushes and lotions scattered in front of it. "I'm nearly ready."

Celeste knew by then that  _ nearly ready _ could mean anywhere from actually ready to half an hour of last-minute touch-ups. 

She picked up her book from the bedside table and sat back on her bed. With the bathroom door open she could still see Madeline in the mirror, and she knew the boys were set up with a movie and popcorn, and even the dull dread that came with Renata's holiday party - or any party - couldn't ruin that moment for her. It was the kind when she could look around and wonder how on earth everything had turned out so beautifully.

"Careful, you'll crease your skirt," said Madeline.

Celeste didn't look up from her page. "I'll live."

Madeline rolled her eyes and leaned into the mirror. "God, I look so tired."

"Did you sleep okay?" 

"I slept fine," said Madeline. "I'm not actually tired, I just always  _ look _ tired nowadays. This is just the way I look now."

Celeste could see Madeline in the mirror, pulling her skin upwards and tight over her cheekbones then letting it drop, apparently disappointed that it looked just the same. 

It occurred to Celeste that she'd managed to dodge a whole painful part of womanhood with a little bit of luck - she’d never worried much about her looks because she’d never had to. That was probably a good thing, she thought, watching Madeline dutifully work her way through endless creams and powders and who knows what else. She wouldn’t have had the faintest clue where to begin with all of that.

"We've gotta go," said Madeline. "We'll be late."

Celeste groaned "But it's just getting good."

"Come on." Madeline grabbed her book, taking Celeste by surprise.

"Hey-"

"It'll still be good when we're back."

Celeste rolled her eyes.

"It'll be fine. It's just a few hours, and you can go and hide in the corner with Jane, and not talk to anyone else."

"I don't  _ want _ to hide in the corner with Jane," she said indignantly. She sat up and made a feeble attempt at grabbing her book, but Madeline snatched it away and held it behind her back. Suddenly their faces were too close together, Celeste examining the soft skin and bright blue eyes in front of her.

"You're right. You are looking a little tired." She feigned concern while Madeline's eyes narrowed. "We should stay home, so you can rest."

"Fuck you," said Madeline through her prettiest smile, dumping the book on the bedside table. Celeste laughed.

"Hey, come here," she said, leaning up further and stopping Madeline with a hand on her arm. 

"You look beautiful."

That caught Madeline off guard, her eyes blinking wide open. She let Celeste kiss her again, so overwhelmingly gently that she couldn't even complain about the risk of smudging her lipstick when she pulled away, because all she could think of was how badly she needed Celeste close. She could feel her skin glowing with it, and wished it wasn't so obvious when Celeste reached to adjust Madeline's necklace, her gentle fingers cool.

"Ready?"

Celeste nodded. "Let's go."

They kept that agreement - in spite of the way they walked downstairs holding hands like teenagers, and the kiss they stole in the car - to keep whatever it was they were becoming to themselves. 

Madeline was in her element that night, with Ed safely at home with Chloe and a whole room of people to entertain, and Celeste loved watching Madeline in her element. It was intoxicating - seeing her come to life like this, especially in that red dress with a skirt that flared out, and a matching Santa hat she'd worn mostly as a joke, because she'd made Celeste laugh when she tried it on. She stuck by Madeline's side as she flitted through groups of people, strangely enjoying it even though she didn't have much to say herself. 

It was just over an hour after they arrived that she retreated outdoors for a breather. 

"Hey, you." Jane turned around from where she was sitting on Renata’s outdoor couch when she heard the glass doors.

"Hi," said Celeste, feeling awkward as she sat down. She hadn't noticed when she was inside, constantly surrounded by people and talking, but out in the cool night air she could feel the effects of the champagne. She realized she couldn't remember how many glasses she'd had inside.

"Long time no see." Jane nudged her affectionately.

"Yeah." Celeste sighed. "I'm sorry. It's just with the move... I haven't really seen much of anyone."

"It's okay."

Celeste knew that was a lousy excuse. It had been months since they'd properly talked. 

"And you and Madeline are back together."

"What?" Celeste's head snapped around. Her panicked eyes met Jane's. "We’re not-"

Jane laughed. "I just meant as friends."

"Oh. Yeah, of course." Celeste tried to laugh it off. She wasn't sure it worked.

After a few moments of silence, Jane held up her empty glass. "I should head back in."

Celeste nodded. She wondered if they’d ever be as comfortable together as they had been before trivia night. She’d missed Jane - more than she'd realized.

She wasn't sure how long she stayed out there on her own, sitting back, staring into the stars, before a melodic voice cut through the air.

"How much to get you out of that gorgeous dress?"

Celeste nearly jumped out of her skin. She looked around in a panic to see Madeline laughing.

"Someone's going to hear you," she said pointedly.

Madeline rolled her eyes, handing Celeste another glass as she sat down and curled up next to her.

"You look so beautiful tonight," she said, staring right into Celeste’s eyes.

They were both tipsy - just a little clumsier than usual, Madeline's laugh a little louder, and when she was so close, the butterflies churning through Celeste's stomach a little stronger.

"So do you."

It made it just that much harder to resist when Madeline leaned in close, grazed her lips tasting of sweet champagne.

"Madeline," Celeste hissed, pulling away and glancing over the back of the couch in a panic. The party was still in full swing. It didn't seem like anyone had noticed.

Madeline pulled away, dejected.

Celeste looked at her, her expression more serious. "We can't keep all this a secret anymore."

"What?"

"You know what people are like. Everyone was giving us strange looks all evening."

"So what? People talk."

Celeste sighed. She'd always known this was a bad idea. "We can't have the kids overhearing some rumor."

Madeline shook her head, confused. "You said Christmas, so we could make sure-"

"Are you not sure?" Celeste demanded.

Madeline looked taken aback. "Of course I am."

"So why are we doing this?"

"Celeste-" she protested, her expression helpless. "I... You know what happens every time I think I've found the right person. It just fucking falls apart."

"Madeline-" Celeste wanted to kick herself. It was stupid of her - not to have thought of it like that. She knew perfectly well what Madeline had been through, knew how hard this divorce had hit her, even if it was for the best in the end.

"I’m sorry. I just think this time has… fucked me up."

She felt Celeste’s hand on her cheek, steadying her, a thumb lightly grazing her skin. She looked up in time to see Celeste shaking her head.

"You’re not fucked up."

Madeline just raised an eyebrow.

"Okay," Celeste sighed with a smile. "Maybe we’re both fucked up. Maybe we’re fucked up together."

Madeline laughed. "What could go wrong?"

"Look, this is all new, and terrifying, and absolutely insane, right?"

Madeline nodded, perhaps a little too readily.

"But couldn’t it be worth something, without knowing for certain it’s forever? Even if we could know that for certain?"

A breath caught in Madeline’s throat. 

"I think things could change and we’d be okay." Celeste could still feel the champagne. She was saying things without running them through in her head first. "But right now, I just want you. No matter how fucked up that is."

"Where’d you get so fucking wise?"

Celeste felt her laugh amplified by the way her heart was pounding. She was still anxious, still not used to letting Madeline - or anyone - know exactly how she felt. She shrugged.

Madeline leaned in to kiss her, but Celeste pulled back, glancing over her shoulder at the party still in full swing through the glass.

"Save them something to talk about on Christmas."

Madeline smiled. Instead, she took Celeste’s hand in her own. Their fingers laced together so naturally.

"I never want this to change."

"Me neither."

Celeste realized she had no idea what it was like to fall out of love with someone. Her feelings towards someone could change, could become too complicated to even describe, but to feel nothing where there had once been so much? That seemed impossible.

She looked at Madeline, with her hair slightly messy from her hat and her eyes as deep as the sky. Somehow, she didn’t think she’d be finding out any time soon.

-

"Not too bad, right?" 

Celeste laughed as Madeline perched beside her on the couch, trying to properly take in the Christmas wonderland that had sprung up around her over the past few hours. Strings of lights were flashing along her window, sweet scented candles were burning and the TV had turned into a crackling fireplace, not to mention the tree in the corner, overflowing with sparkling ornaments about as high as the boys could reach, and noticeably bare around the top.

She looked at Madeline with a smile. "You're incredible."

"Are the boys asleep?"

"They're in bed," Celeste shrugged. "They'll be up early."

Madeline nodded. "I can't believe you didn't even have the tree up when I got here." 

"That's a tradition," Celeste protested. 

Madeline raised her eyebrows. "What, the tradition of never decorating?"

"It is," said Celeste. "It keeps it magical when you wake up on Christmas morning and see the tree and it’s all still new."

Madeline took a bite out of one of Santa’s cookies. They’d all baked them together - it really had been like something out of a movie. The boys had been icing and decorating the tree and dancing around to Christmas songs like they had when they were tiny.

"Thank you for coming," she said sincerely. "I don't know what we would've done without you."

Madeline scoffed. "You would've been fine. I don't know what I would've done without you. But I have a feeling it would've involved a lot of wine and chocolate."

Celeste grinned. "That doesn't sound too bad."

"The night is young," said Madeline, eyebrows raised.

"Not in this house." Celeste shook her head. "We'll be up early tomorrow." Madeline's face fell as Celeste jumped up from the couch. "Come on."

She had a whole stash of neatly wrapped presents in the bottom of her closet - mostly gifts for the boys from Santa, but Madeline noticed a few other labels as she helped carry them out to the tree.

"Celeste, you shouldn't have," she said, holding up a small box with her name on it. "What is it?"

Celeste rolled her eyes. "You'll have to wait and see, won't you?"

Madeline scowled. "And what about these?" She held up two more gifts.

"Oh, I thought you could take them for the girls when you see them," Celeste explained.

"What are they?" she asked. "I have a right to know what you're corrupting my daughters with," she added before she could be refused again.

Celeste snorted. "American girl doll DJ set," she said, pointing to the larger present. Chloe would love it. "And some cash, and a book."

"What book?" Celeste had a flawless track record with gifts. It wasn’t like her to risk a book with a teenager.

"Malala's book," she said with a knowing smile. 

Madeline rolled her eyes. "Little miss activist will love that."

Celeste laughed. "She's big on education," she explained, and then the realization dawned on Madeline.

"You are a genius," she smiled, and once she'd put the gifts down around the back of the tree, and made Celeste wait to help her make Santa's footprints out of flour (even though she had no chimney, they decided he came in through the window) they finally got to sleep.

"I'm so glad you're here," Celeste whispered in the darkness, her arm around Madeline's waist, holding her close, not quite sure if she was asleep yet or not.

"Me too."

-

When Madeline came into the kitchen Celeste was carrying the boy’s bowls to the sink, still half-filled with cereal since they’d been far too desperate to get back to all their newly opened toys. She snuck up behind her, putting her arms around Celeste’s waist and going up onto her tiptoes so she could kiss her neck. Celeste sighed contentedly. She turned around to face Madeline and leaned back on the counter as their lips met.

"Mom, do you have batteries?"

Celeste and Madeline broke apart instantly. Celeste could see Max waiting in the doorway, holding up a new remote-controlled car.

"Yes, okay." She turned back around to find them in the kitchen cabinet, thinking for a moment they might have got away with it.

"Were you two kissing?"

Nope. Celeste froze, eyes wide. Then she sighed.

"Yes." She turned around to look at Max and nodded. "Yes, we were."

"Are you in love with each other?" he asked.

Celeste's eyes widened in panic again. She glanced at Madeline, then hurriedly back to her son.

"Um-"

"Yes." Madeline’s voice cut across the room. Just a quick glance towards her set Celeste's chest fluttering, her cheeks flushing. But she forced herself to break away from that perfectly soft smile and turned to Max, nodding in agreement. 

"Okay."

She studied his face carefully, but he seemed completely unfazed, grabbing the batteries from her and dashing back out the room without another word.

She couldn't quite believe they were okay, not until she turned back to Madeline and saw the grin spreading across her face.

"You're in love with me?" she raised an eyebrow, closing the few steps between them. 

Madeline looked up at her with those wide, electric eyes.

"I might be."

Celeste's hands found their way to cup Madeline's face, a thumb gently brushing down her cheek. She knew she'd never not be in awe of her. The fluttering in her chest wouldn't go away, nor would the churning in her stomach or the way she felt her whole face glowing pink.

Madeline leaned up onto her tiptoes to kiss her again, and Celeste couldn't help the smile spreading across her lips.

"I love you too," she said in barely a whisper, leaning back down for another kiss.

The whole rest of the day she could feel it nagging at her - she knew she needed to address it properly, to talk to the boys about everything - but there was never a moment that she felt like she could. She still didn’t know how to explain any of it to them.

It wasn’t until she was getting them ready for bed, when Josh turned around and asked, "Mom, is Madeline gonna live with us?"

Celeste looked at him, more surprised than she should have been. "Did Max tell you what we said earlier?"

Josh nodded. "He said you were in love."

She paused for a moment, then climbed into Josh's bed with them. The three of them just about fit, with Celeste in the middle and an arm around each of her boys.

"So is she gonna live with us?" he asked again.

Celeste shook her head. "Nope."

"But will she someday?"

She paused. "Maybe someday."

Josh shuffled down under the covers so just his head was peeking out, as if to let them know he was ready for bed. They’d both been up before sunrise, and she knew so much excitement was bound to wear them out.

"Good," said Max.

"Only if you wanted her to," Celeste added.

"Yeah." He nodded. "I like Maddie."

"Me too," said Josh.

Celeste smiled. "Me too."

"So why can't she move in now?"

"When you grow up, and you get a girlfriend, are you going to move in with her right away?" she asked. "Or are you going to get to know her first?"

"Get to know her," Max replied.

"Right. That's what we're doing now."

"But you already know her."

"I do." She looked down and ran her hand through his hair. "But we're getting to know each other even more."

"That's silly."

"How come you can have a girlfriend but we can't have a boyfriend?" asked Josh, sitting back up.

"You can have a boyfriend," said Celeste, taking him by surprise. "You can have a whoever-you-want-friend. But that's probably a conversation for when you're a little older."

He nodded.

"Hey, listen, Madeline hasn't told Chloe about this yet, and she wants to tell her properly and talk to her, like I'm talking to you. So can we keep this a secret just for us three?"

"Like secret agents?"

"Yeah," Celeste laughed. "Like secret agents."

"Okay," Max said through a yawn.

"Come on." She sat up, nudging Max's shoulder. "Time for bed."

Their usual protests were especially half-hearted that night. As she tucked them in, it occurred to her how incredibly far they'd come from the little boys who couldn't quite understand their dad was more than a week away from coming home. She wondered how she could have possibly ended up so lucky.

-

Celeste stared into her laptop. She kept losing herself in the sound of the ocean, kept staring out the window into the cool January night air. This was one of the pitfalls of working from home, she’d fast discovered. One that she probably should have seen coming, given how far she used to let work stress encroach into every inch of her life, even back when she could leave it all in an office each night.

It was good for the boys, though, knowing she could still be here for them when they needed it. And it was good for her, having hours carved out for her to think about something outside her own life.

Besides, this job wasn't like her last one. It was small and simple, and she was good at what she did. She never had to worry about ambition, or office politics, or any of that nonsense. Perry had loved the status that came with being at the top of his field. Celeste had never seen the appeal. These days, she didn't work into the night because she was stressed, or because she felt like she had to just to keep up. She just cared about her work, and she liked it. 

Still, she thought, working so late was probably a habit best avoided. 

She yawned, and when she looked over to her left, she couldn't look back. Her heart rushed, and a breath caught in her throat as she bit down lightly on her top lip.

Madeline had fallen asleep, curled up against the big cushioned arm of the couch with her half of the blanket tucked around her knees and hair gently falling across her face.

Celeste was so glad she'd chosen this couch - it was the big cushiony kind you could sink into and fall asleep in. They never would have had something like this in the old house. Too  _ boxy _ , probably. The interior designer would have laughed if she suggested it. Perry would have defended her, made sure she didn't feel too stupid, but they'd end up with something sleek and stylish from a European designer whose name she'd forget.

That had been one of the nicest unexpected things about her new apartment. No interior designer, just her and the boys picking out the things they liked. She loved it all - her tacky lamp, and her fluffy rug, and her boxy, swallow-you-up couch. It felt like an actual home, even after they'd only just moved in.

Real homes shouldn't look like they could be in design magazines, she'd realized (just like how real couches shouldn't have named designers).

And she was so glad she had, because now her boys were happily tucked up in _Star Wars_ sheets, and Madeline's chest was rising and falling so peacefully beside her, and it all gave her this beautiful sense that somehow, everything would be okay. She reached over carefully to tuck the blanket over Madeline's shoulder and smiled to herself.


End file.
